Quotes by Woody Allen

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Sometimes I envy those who are naturally religious without being brainwashed into it by organized hustle.

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I am preoccupied with the future, as I want to spend the rest of my days there.

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At home, I am the boss, my wife is only the decision maker.

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My brain is my second favorite organ.

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The only problem with my life is that I'm not someone else.

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God is listening. I wish people would shut up!

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My wife is the worst cook. I don't think meatloaf should glow in the dark.

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Any simple problem can be developed into an unsolvable one if we think about it enough.

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I'm not a big drinker. On New Year's Eve, after two martinis, I tried to hijack an elevator and take it to Cuba.

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How can I believe in God when the key of an electric machine pinched my tongue just last week.

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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then he saw me without clothes. Since then, he has been afraid of the light.

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I went to a massage parlor. Unfortunately, it was self-service.

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

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To love is to suffer. If we do not want to suffer, we must not love. But then we suffer from not loving. So: to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, so to be happy is to suffer, but suffering makes you unhappy, that is, to be unhappy you have to love, or to love to suffer, or to suffer from too much happiness.

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I admire those who want to get to know the universe, even though it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

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To smile is to forget ourselves for the sake of others.

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If you're not constantly making mistakes, it's a sign that you're not creating anything new.

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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad TV shows.

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It's easy to be happy when you don't have anything else to worry about in life but how much drool you're drooling.

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I am always grateful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

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I don't think anyone sets out to be funny.

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If it turned out that there is a God, I would not believe that he is evil. But the worst you can say about him is that he ran out of business.

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TO YOU I am an atheist; God, on the other hand, is the Persistent Opposition.

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Money is better than poverty, if only financially.

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Basically, my wife was immature. I sit peacefully in the tub, and he comes in and sinks my little boats.

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Eternity is very long. Especially towards the end.

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I'm not a champion. My reflexes are bad. Once he was hit by a car pushed by two guys.

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I don't want to become immortal through my works. By doing so, I want to not die.

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There are two kinds of people: good and bad. Good people sleep better, but bad people seem to enjoy being awake more.

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A gorgeous gold watch. I'm proud of it. My grandfather sold it to me on his deathbed.

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It's not like I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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As a child, I always fell for bad women. When we went to see Snow White and everyone fell in love with Snow White, I immediately fell for the evil queen.

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You can live a hundred years if you give up the things that make you want to live a hundred years.

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And I don't eat oysters. Let my food be dead - not sick, not wounded - dead!

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My parents were simple people. They believed in God and the carpet.

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I have also worked in a zoo. The guests asked how much more I would grow.

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I come from a basically stupid family. My father was a color freak. He worked in a bank but was caught stealing A4 papers.

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In college, I shot a rifle in the metaphysics class: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

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The travel agency said I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. But not a single day.

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I live in a dangerous neighborhood. Every time I close the window, I always close someone's hand.

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I swear there is no God, but try to find a plumber on Sunday!

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There is nothing wrong with eternal nothingness, if one is dressed for the occasion!

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Life is sheer chaos (...). Emotions are so unpredictable. How can someone stay married for forty years? This is far more wonderful than the parting of the Red Sea.

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Man freely chooses his destiny, and he cannot truly understand existence until he realizes that death is part of life.

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Criticism should never be taken seriously (...). My first short story was roughly pulled down by a certain critic. I wondered and responded with scathing remarks to the critic. Then one day I re-read the short story and realized he was right! The story is shallow and poorly edited!

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The characteristic of classics is that people read them thousands of times and always find something new in them.

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Only the body can be shackled. My spirit soars freely, the four walls cannot bind it, and therefore I ask on my faith, does captivity exist at all?!

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What would be evil but good beyond measure? (...) Let's look at it as follows. If someone sings a nice little song, that's great. If you sing two or three times, you get a headache.

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Death is a state of non-existence. What doesn't exist doesn't exist. So death does not exist. Only the truth exists. Truth and beauty. The two are interchangeable, but aspects of each other.

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- You have proved so many times that the soul is immortal! - That's it! In theory. You know, that's the thing about philosophy: as soon as you leave school, it doesn't work.

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- Death is nothing but a dream! - Yes, yes, the only difference is that if you're dead and someone shouts "Wake up, breakfast is ready!", it's much harder for you to find your slippers.

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Can we actually know the universe? Come on, because people hardly recognize themselves even in Chinatown!

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After all, there is no doubt that the only characteristic of "reality" is that it lacks substance. By which I do not mean that it has no substance, but that it lacks it.

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In order to know a substance or idea, we have to doubt it, and to doubt is to perceive in their infinity those properties which are really "in the thing itself", or "from the thing itself", or from something, or from nothing they are real.

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Insanity is a relative state. Who's to say who's really crazy?!

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I don't believe in God (...). Because if God exists, tell me, uncle, why is there poverty and baldness?

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I'm not anti-social, I'm just not social.

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The most difficult thing in life is to convince the heart and the mind that they want the same thing.

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The universe is just a passing thought in God's mind - which is very desirable, especially if a person has just mortgaged a house.

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It is impossible for someone to objectively experience his own death and continue whistling in the meantime.

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Crime is an act that violates the law, especially when it is committed in a party.

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I have beautiful children. Thank God my wife cheated on me.

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The question is not whether there is heaven, but how long it is open and which bus you can take to get there.

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I live in a dangerous neighborhood. In our street, children steal the wheels of cars - while driving.

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My grandfather was a very insignificant person anyway. At his funeral, the hearse went at the back.

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There are worse things than death: anyone who has ever spent an evening with an insurance agent knows what I mean.

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What awaits us after death? Heaven? Hell? And will there be girls there?

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Every time I played in the sandbox, the cat always tried to bury me.

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More than ever, humanity is at a crossroads. One path leads to despair and ultimate hopelessness. The other for total destruction. Let us pray that we choose the right path wisely.

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My relationship with death is unchanged. I strongly oppose it.

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Of all the love, the one that really counts is the one that isn't reciprocated.

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I feel an intense desire to return to the womb - any womb.

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Love is suffering. To avoid suffering, we must not love. But then we suffer from not loving.

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You can only be happy if you love to suffer.

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It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and of course it is not advisable, because our hat might fly off.

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If you can count your money, it means you don't have enough of it.

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All art is just an expression of something.

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Born evil must know something!

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Dear God, why am I so guilty? Because I hated my father? (...) I remember how he reacted when I announced to him that I wanted to write. "Your only writing will be the fruit of collaboration with an owl." I still don't know what he meant by that.